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Thread: joke

  1. #241
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
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    Default Golf and the Dentist

    The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

    The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, how about that, at last a golfer with real guts!”

    So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

  2. #242
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
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    Default Bumper Stickers Seen On Military Bases

    • 101st Airborne Division- “ When it comes to Combat, care enough to send the very best”, “When in doubt, empty the magazine”

    • “Sniper– You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

    • “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

    • “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

    • ” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

    • " U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”

    • “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

    • “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”

    • “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

    • “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

    • “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

    • “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

    • “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”(Gen H. Norman Schwarzkopf )

    • “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

    • “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “

    • “My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College and Protest”

    • “A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

    • “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the US military doesn’t have that problem."

  3. #243
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,934

    Default

    Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

    The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

    The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
    I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

    The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

    The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

    To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

  4. #244
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,934

    Default

    Merlot story

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of fine merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

    So the waiter took the merlot to the woman and said, 'this is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read: 'for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read: 'just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be I have a ferrari maranello, a bmw alpina b6, a mercedes cl600 and a porsche gt2 rs turbo in my several garages'.

    I have beautiful homes in aspen and miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in texas .

    There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

    But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut off two inches.

    Please, just send the wine back.

  5. #245
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
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    Default

    The Redneck

    A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Old, uncouth Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

    Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

    'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.. How about half a million bucks then?'

    'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing How about my new Rolex and some stock options?'

    Again Leroy said no.

    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

    Leroy said,





    '... the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

  6. #246
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Okaloosa County, FL
    Posts
    210

    Default

    Skip,
    Despite selling your cars, I hope you stay on USA7s--I need the jokes!
    Thanks,
    Taber
    2007 Caterham 7 SV

  7. #247
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,934

    Default

    THE END IS NEAR



    Sean is the Vicar of a Protestant parish in County Cork and Patrick is the Priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together erecting a sign which said:



    THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE



    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."



    From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "That's the third one this mornin'."



    "Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya think maybe the sign should just say, "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

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