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Thread: joke

  1. #241
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    Erie, CO
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    3,992

    Default Golf and the Dentist

    The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

    The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, how about that, at last a golfer with real guts!”

    So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

  2. #242
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,992

    Default Bumper Stickers Seen On Military Bases

    • 101st Airborne Division- “ When it comes to Combat, care enough to send the very best”, “When in doubt, empty the magazine”

    • “Sniper– You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

    • “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

    • “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

    • ” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

    • " U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”

    • “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

    • “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”

    • “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

    • “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

    • “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

    • “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

    • “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”(Gen H. Norman Schwarzkopf )

    • “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

    • “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “

    • “My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College and Protest”

    • “A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

    • “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the US military doesn’t have that problem."

  3. #243
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    Feb 2006
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    Erie, CO
    Posts
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    Default

    Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

    The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

    The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
    I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

    The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

    The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

    To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

  4. #244
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,992

    Default

    Merlot story

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of fine merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

    So the waiter took the merlot to the woman and said, 'this is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read: 'for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read: 'just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be I have a ferrari maranello, a bmw alpina b6, a mercedes cl600 and a porsche gt2 rs turbo in my several garages'.

    I have beautiful homes in aspen and miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in texas .

    There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

    But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut off two inches.

    Please, just send the wine back.

  5. #245
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
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    Default

    The Redneck

    A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Old, uncouth Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

    Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

    'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.. How about half a million bucks then?'

    'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing How about my new Rolex and some stock options?'

    Again Leroy said no.

    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

    Leroy said,





    '... the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

  6. #246
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Okaloosa County, FL
    Posts
    217

    Default

    Skip,
    Despite selling your cars, I hope you stay on USA7s--I need the jokes!
    Thanks,
    Taber
    2007 Caterham 7 SV

  7. #247
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,992

    Default

    THE END IS NEAR



    Sean is the Vicar of a Protestant parish in County Cork and Patrick is the Priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together erecting a sign which said:



    THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE



    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."



    From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "That's the third one this mornin'."



    "Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya think maybe the sign should just say, "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

  8. #248
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    San Francisco peninsula
    Posts
    868

    Default

    A maid ask the lady of the house for a raise.
    The lady ask her why she thinks she deserves a raise.
    The maid say "because I iron much better than you do".
    And who says that ?
    Your husband said it. And he also said I'm a better cook than you.
    He said that!
    Yes, and I'm also much better at making the love than you are.
    The son of a bitch said that!!
    No mam, the gardener told me that.
    Oh! Would an extra $100 a week be enough???
    Jim Rankin
    WCM S2K
    '04 MINI Cooper S
    '07 BMW3 Sportwagon
    '67 Camaro SS-RS
    '58 Jaguar XK150
    Silverado & trailer to haul it all.

  9. #249
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,992

    Default Christmas With Louise

    My brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
    fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
    them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
    because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
    overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
    and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
    things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

    If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
    confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this
    do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that ?!" Finally, I made it to the
    inflatable doll section.

    I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
    substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
    during rush hour.

    Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
    different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
    could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
    "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise
    a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
    came to life.

    My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
    morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
    pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
    and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
    and giggled for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
    house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
    confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
    some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
    of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
    Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
    "What the hell is that?" she asked.

    My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

    "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

    I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

    "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into
    the dining room.

    But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
    no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
    hang on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
    me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

    I told him she was Jay's friend.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
    Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
    realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
    died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
    noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from
    the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of
    the sofa.

    The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
    Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
    mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
    his pants.

    Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
    car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
    decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
    suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

    Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
    her to perfect health!

  10. #250
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    3,364

    Default

    This is a classic Skip.
    '97 Caterham Super Sprint, 1700 Crossflow-sold
    '09 Birkin S3, Duratec-sold
    '03 Caterham Zetec track car

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