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  1. #261
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Midland, TX
    Posts
    479

    Default

    Heh, that reminds me of my favorite blonde joke: A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
    She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
    The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
    The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
    "Yes," blonde replied," and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
    Westfield SEiW
    Done building, now grinning

  2. #262
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default Surely I cant look that old

    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I cant look that old." ?

    If so, you'll love this one:

    My name is Mary and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with my new dentist.
    I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome,
    dark-haired boy of the same name that had been in my high school class, some 55 years ago.

    Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought, as this balding, gray-haired, man with
    a deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

    After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School
    "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

    "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    He answered, "In 1962. Why do you ask?"

    "You were in my class!, I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely and then that ugly, old, balding, wrinkle-faced, gray-haired, decrepit geezer asked,

    "What did you teach?"

    -----------------------------------
    The sad part is, I also graduated from high school in 1962. Surely I cant look that old.

    Skip

  3. #263
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default

    Surgeons!

    Five surgeons are discussing
    who makes the Best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, says,
    ​ ​
    "I like to see accountants on
    my operating table because when you open them
    up, everything inside is numbered."


    The second, responds,
    "Yeah, but you should try ​electricians! Everything inside them is colour
    coded."

    The
    third surgeon, says,


    "No, I really think librarians
    are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical
    order."

    The
    fourth surgeon, chimes in:


    "You know, I like construction
    workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

    But
    the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said:


    'You're all wrong. Politicians
    are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no
    balls, no brains, and no spine...


    Plus, the head and the ass are
    interchangeable!

  4. #264
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default

    WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY

    1. STORMY DANIELS

    2. O. J. SIMPSON

    3. TED KENNEDY

    4. BILL CLINTON


    YOU ASK, "WHY?"

    1. STORMY IS A HOOKER.

    2. O. J. IS A SLICER.

    3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, and

    4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

  5. #265
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default

    "Why I'm divorced."
    Written by a woman.



    That morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.


    As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday. I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.



    My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.


    As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, "Good morning, pretty lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!" I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.


    I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, "It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me."



    I said, "Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"



    We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


    On the way back to the office Rick said, '"t's such a beautiful day; we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"


    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"



    He said, "Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner".


    After arriving at his house Rick turned to me and said, "If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."


    "Ok," I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes he came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my husband, my kids, my parents, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers all singing 'Happy Birthday.'


    PICTURE OF RICK HOLDING BIRTHDAY CAKE



    And I just sat there...on the couch....


    PICTURE OF NAKED WOMAN SITTING ON COUCH DELETED (Learned my lesson about posting boobs on this forum)


    Not really feeling much
    like talking . . .

  6. #266
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Arkansas and . . .
    Posts
    3,258

    Default

    Mail-order bride.


    What you order . . .



    What you get . . .
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    Stalker V8, chassis #85

    Stalker Chassis #85 Build Gallery
    Stalker Chassis #85 Owner Thread

    Get up in the morning and give the day your very best. You dont get it back.

  7. #267
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default Community Service

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
    asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
    from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.

    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
    'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
    the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
    you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
    Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
    pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
    you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
    was very happy and left the shop.

    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut... And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
    the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

  8. #268
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default That's how the fight started

    TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO ENJOY HOW SOME FIGHTS START:

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
    gift

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
    bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered.

    I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ______________________________ __

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    ______________________________ _

    My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk
    swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we
    split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
    long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________ __

    When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I
    always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever
    way to make her point.

    I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a
    tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
    into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
    handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you
    might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Lots of dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________ __

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.



    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2
    seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started.....

    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
    benefits.


    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
    age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the
    woman
    I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
    curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
    proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


    When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
    office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
    gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ______________________________ __

    My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
    compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    That's when the fight began ....

    ______________________________ __

    I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a really bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started....

  9. #269
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    4,016

    Default

    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego, when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

    The man walked up to the car and asked: "Are you going to San Diego?"

    "Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"

    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is, I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

    "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego, when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde, walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

    With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

    "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

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