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Thread: joke

  1. #221
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    Feb 2006
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    Erie, CO
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    A friend I sent this along to emailed back saying he saw a guy drink about 2 oz. of his own urine on a $5 bet. My price to do that is way bigger than $5.

  2. #222
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Arkansas...and Indy
    Posts
    2,859

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    Quote Originally Posted by scannon View Post
    . . . "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
    . . .
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    xcarguy

    Rise of the 'Super Chicken'...a Somewhat 'Suave' Story
    http://www471.pair.com/stalkerv/gall...g2_itemId=5938

    Live life with passion; history has proven there’s no getting out of it alive.

  3. #223
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Shawnee, Ks
    Posts
    860

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    An Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
    her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
    drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

    Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa da pig
    that did this to you? I want to know!'
    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
    Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

    A mature and distinguished man with gray hair who is impeccably
    dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters
    the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father, mother,
    and the girl and tells them:

    "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’
    ‘I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation,
    but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest
    of her life.

    Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari,
    2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa,
    and a $2,000,000 bank account..

    If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and
    a $4,000,000 bank account.

    If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

    However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
    At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a
    shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks
    him directly in the eyes and tells him.

    “You a-gonna try again."

  4. #224
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,928

    Default A dog named sex

    A DOG NAMED SEX
    By Morty Storm

    Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

    When I went to city hall to renew his dog License, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!”

    Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

    When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

    He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny- I have the same problem.”

    One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

    “But, you don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”

    Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me, too.”

    Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

    My case comes up Friday.

  5. #225
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    Jul 2009
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    Arkansas...and Indy
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    .....
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    xcarguy

    Rise of the 'Super Chicken'...a Somewhat 'Suave' Story
    http://www471.pair.com/stalkerv/gall...g2_itemId=5938

    Live life with passion; history has proven there’s no getting out of it alive.

  6. #226
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,928

    Default

    Well-Planned Retirement

    Outside England ’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.....The fees for cars $1.40, for buses about $7.

    Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
    The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

    Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars .....and no one even knows his name.

  7. #227
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    Jun 2005
    Location
    North Potomac, MD
    Posts
    7,074

    Default

    I've been slacking...

  8. #228
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Shawnee, Ks
    Posts
    860

    Default

    I know some of you fly airplanes so you might enjoy this:

    No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an aeroplane flies because of money.
    It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
    If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn' em back off.
    A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
    Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
    Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
    Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
    If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
    Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
    The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
    Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first! Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
    The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
    IFR: I Follow Roads.
    You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
    Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
    A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
    Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
    Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runways behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
    If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
    What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
    Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
    A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
    Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
    Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
    An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
    Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
    The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
    Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
    Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
    Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
    The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
    There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
    It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
    Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
    The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
    It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
    If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
    Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
    A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
    It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
    A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
    A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
    The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
    Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
    Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
    You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
    The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

  9. #229
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    North Potomac, MD
    Posts
    7,074

    Default

    some good ones in there

    Quote Originally Posted by locost7018 View Post
    I know some of you fly airplanes so you might enjoy this:

    No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an aeroplane flies because of money.
    It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
    If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn' em back off.
    A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
    Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
    Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
    Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
    If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
    Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
    The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
    Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first! Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
    The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
    IFR: I Follow Roads.
    You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
    Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
    A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
    Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
    Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runways behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
    If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
    What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
    Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
    A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
    Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
    Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
    An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
    Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
    The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
    Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
    Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
    Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
    The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
    There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
    It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
    Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
    The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
    It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
    If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
    Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
    A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
    It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
    A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
    A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
    The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
    Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
    Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
    You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
    The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

  10. #230
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Erie, CO
    Posts
    3,928

    Default

    The Best Divorce Letter, ever !


    FIRST LETTER:
    My Dear husband:
    I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

    Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.

    You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

    Your EX-Wife.
    Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!


    REPLY:
    Dear Ex-wife,

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

    I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

    I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

    Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment...... and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

    About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

    After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
    My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

    So take care.

    Signed,
    Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

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